Namjooned: A feeling that haunts you once you get to know Kim Namjoon.
Did you ever feel that you have finally found your other half only for them to be out of reach ? I did; sadly for me (sadly for all Hallyu stans out there), he is out of reach in every possible aspect.
Now, did the idea of becoming this idol’s confident cross my mind ? Yes, too many times than I care to admit BUT I sought comfort in him on an intellectual level, which was both my consolation and burden. I guess that’s why they call them idols: they appeal to you and become your role model, but you can never have a personal relationship with them.
It all started when I was receiving my “Hallyu homework”. Since Rap was my favorite genre, Mey suggested Yoon Mirae and introduced her as the queen of Korean Rap, and damn she was. She sent me some of her songs and there was a specific song for which I am eternally grateful because it literally turned my life upside down. I don’t mean to school you because I am new to the field myself but if you don’t know “Buckubucku”, then you probably missed out on one of the best songs of 2015. This song was a collaboration between many rappers and among them a special name stood out: “Rap Monster”.
When I came across “Rap Monster” for the first time, I didn’t know what to expect. I told myself that, for someone to be called that way, he must be a fine rapper and I was not disappointed (this is an actual quote from a fan letter I sent that was forever lost in the mail *I’m okay*). When he initiated the song, I thought that he had that “IT” attitude and I was amused. Then, when his part came I was literally shook and flew out of my seat. I don’t exactly remember what I said or did because I have the memory of a goldfish, but knowing that my feelings haven’t changed, I can promise you that it was something like this: Damn homie, easy on this little girl’s poor heart!
And that was it, the moment I found my ultimate bias, the one and only Kim Namjoon. This being said, I will probably die or sell both kidneys before I reroute my devotion to another artist.
You see, I went through every single fangirl phase with this man for the past year, and everytime I thought it was time to unstan and retrieve my sanity, I found myself fall even deeper. What made my love, loyalty, respect, admiration … (The words are many and the feeling is the same) so persistent wasn’t that I fell for his looks or his title or his popularity; I fell for this man because he was literally the bestfriend I never had.
His rap was the first thing that caught my attention, and when I got to know him, I fell even deeper for his thoughts, his lyrics, his music and eventually his band and members. Unlike the traditional stanning criteria, I always pick my bias before I get to know the group, and Rap Monster was no exception: he made my heart flutter in War of Hormones (with a slight competition alongside V’s forehead in the MV, you know the drill) and he completely mesmerized me in Buckubucku as RM. Ultimately, his few mixtape releases which I happened to listen to and enjoy wholeheartedly made me realize that I have found that long lost soul that reflects my inner self.
Now all fangirling feelings aside, here are more profound reasons why Namjoon is my ultimate bias:
- Through his path to success, he taught me that it’s never too late to have a dream and follow it.
- Through his long training, he taught me that I can always improve and that time should be a friend, not a foe.
- Through his strong leadership, he taught me that it’s okay to be independent, self-made, and passionate.
- Through his lively character, he taught me that I can be myself, even if it defies the generic image that society sets for us.
- Through his vivid writings, he taught me that my ideas – no matter how dark, twisted or vulnerable they can be – deserve to be inked, shared, and published.
Because I’ve been living a lie for the past 23 years of my life, struggling between whom I should be and who I really am. By breaking all of his society’s standard rules, he showed me that as long as nobody gets hurt, I get to live my life the way I see it fit.
This piece might sound a bit all over the place. The only explanation I can give you is that when it comes to him, I can never think straight and this article is living proof as it has been saved as a draft for the past month.
P.S: May 30th marks exactly a year since I was introduced to this beautiful human being and I hope that I will gather enough sanity to properly celebrate it by the end of the month.
Until then, and in this fine man’s own words: Do you, always.