Amor Fati: a Latin phrase that may be translated aslove of fateorlove of one’s fate“.

Chapter One : Life

Upon my graduation, and while thinking that I have become too cool for school, I reached a point in my life where I had no more dreams. I wasn’t the bulletproof girl I used to be and I didn’t like it. I wanted to turn my life around but the thoughts inside my head felt like a circle room talk. Many questions kept popping inside my head like : aren’t you late to take such decisions? I hesitated, I rewound and I sighed. That’s when I answered myself : NO, I will go on until my answer becomes YES whenever I’m asked : Are you happy now? I want to rule the world, I want passion to be my morning coffee. I want to rise again. To do that, I escaped life and buried myself in love.

Chapter Two : Love

I thought I found love in school, I thought I found that boy in love, that mister right; but school love affairs don’t always work as expected. When I found my so-called soulmate, I didn’t ask him where he came from. Instead, I simply asked him to stay, even if it’s for just one day, until tomorrow’s sun sets. Looking at our love story’s triptych, I secretly prayed that he won’t be a heart breaker. I didn’t want him to propose per se; I simply wanted him to jump with me into the unknown and live together peacefully.

Whenever I asked him “What am I to you?” The answer was always a typical romantic riddle. Ultimately, I ended up being caught in a dangerous relationship. Between the war of Hormones and the heartache, I wondered if my lover ever appreciated me the way a rapper is fond of Hip Hop. It’s a silly comparison, right? Anyways, I wish he would’ve let me know before he rained over me with a Killer break up move. Ah, what am I doing? I should turn off my phone and empty all of my worries through a neat blanket kick session. Look at me, I’m a 24/7 overthinker, turning my heaven into hell, and I don’t seem to catch a break.

Am I even making sense right now?

Chapter Three : Lust

As I wake up in the middle of the night and gaze from my window at the stars glowing beautifully, I ask myself: Is love the best moment in life ? Is it wrong to want someone in my life to tell me “I need you” instead of expecting me to read through his thoughtless mind? Is it wrong to want someone to hold me tight? I had many expectations before, but now I am just that sick girl who likes to live freely and have fun wearing her high converse. Yes, I’m moving on, but love is definitely not over.

Chapter Four : Loss

Ah never mind, I keep running into love and I flee it like a butterfly. I am that lonely whale in the lost ocean. My city is in ruins and my home is underneath it. I am that silverspoon that tries to turn a wooden spoon into gold. I am that nomad that spent one night in a stranger city, watching dead leaves fall as I nostalgically imagine my old home while building it into a house of cards. My heart, soul, and mind are on fire. I wish someone would notice and save me from myself. I want to remain young forever, but does it mean my youth should come to an end now?

Chapter Five : Leap

On a good day, I try to see the positive things in life, and try to chase away the negativity by helplessly wishing on a star. For you, I’m a girl who’s seen, heard, and met evil. I gave it my blood, sweat, and tears. It began with a temptation, progressed with a lie, and ended in stigma. My first love is probably going to be my last. I reflect upon it and in return, it keeps my poor mother restless and awake at night, worried about how her once carefree daughter turned out to be this way. I feel lost at times, trying to solve the endless ciphers that life keeps throwing my way, and wondering where did I go wrong. I’m a 21st century girl who’s hoping for many more good days to come. Even if it’s not today, even if that spring day will take its time to come, I will spread my wings in anticipation. I am not alone in this path; I never walk alone, but that’s a supplementary story to leave for another day. For now, I will learn to love myself.

Chapter Six: Lunacy

What once felt like serendipity soon came to an end. They say everything happens for a reason, and my DNA acting up must have been one too. My body put up a good fight for the longest time, until it could no more. Saying that my illness got the best of me is an overstatement. It was difficult to process at first, but I chose to look at the bright side. Take dimples for example, these sexy features happen to be an anomaly and yet, they exhume an ethereal beauty. My fatal weakness suddenly became my ultimate strength, and I no longer abided by the Pied piper’s most vicious lure, which resumed itself in life’s cruel verdicts and people’s incessant judgement. I have lived, loved, lusted, lost, and leaped. I could finish my narration with a mic drop, but something tells me this is just the beginning of a very lengthy speech. One thing is for sure: even if I’m at sea about what tomorrow holds, I shall go forward midst hesitation and fear and honor her in the process.

Who is she? You might ask. She is the past, the present, and the future. She embodies the epitome of conscience and the core of the subconscious. Before I came to terms with her, I used to wander in circles hoping to build my courage and face myself. I’d shut her off today, and beg her not to leave me the next day. On a sunny morning, a crystal snow miraculously landed in my hand. If the weather went out of its way to teach me a lesson, the least I could do was to let go of my agony and listen. That day, a beam of light radiated from the cracks of my heart.

I welcomed her with tears of joy. The singularity I once felt on my own now binds us. It started with fake love, because how can I love her when I don’t even know her? But I knew I had to earn her trust if I wanted her to share the untold truth. A truth that only she knows about me, a truth that even I can’t admit to myself. Some say that she came from my inner Pluto, a realm that I chose to exile, perhaps out of spite. Some say that she was a celestial being that would help me find the stairway to Paradise. Between self-love and self-loathing, I found myself trapped in a maze. I tried to trade my soul so many times, but I would always leave the magic shop empty-handed. On my final attempt, I decided to hop on a plane and go as far as I could. In that moment, I was my own hero: my own Anpanman. When I landed, the first thing I told myself was: So what now?

In that very moment, I experienced a heartwrenching epiphany. I spent so many times fighting myself where I could’ve held her hand and just danced the pain away. I let myself fall victim to a brutal “L,” where all I needed was to channel the one in Love. In doing so, I finally saw the truth: she was always there for me. She was my permanent playground buddy on the seesaw of life. She was my idol

As I played the highlight reels of my past and present, and wondered about my future; a certain Euphoria warmed my heart, mind, and soul. There is nothing to be afraid of anymore, I’m fine. The answer has always been within me: today, I love myself.

To be continued

 

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