Epiphany: from the ancient Greek epiphaneia meaning “manifestation, striking appearance“; an experience of a sudden and striking realization.

Today, I kissed my inner fangirl goodbye… or so I thought.

Being an ARMY since “Wings” era, one of my ultimate wishes were to attend a BTS concert. Alas, I missed that chance once, twice, thrice: all for the exact same non-disclosed reason. At some point, I just decided to let go, because forcing it won’t make it come my way, and the anticipation probably had a hand in making that reason reoccur.

Then, I finally had the chance to watch a BTS concert in full in my very own country. Granted, it wasn’t live but it was the next best thing: a concert movie. As luck would have it, I had to miss out on the original “limited” screening because I had class on a Saturday afternoon (after 16 previous months of absolute free time, the irony), only to attend a replay that was scheduled two weeks later. After originally thinking of skipping it since I just wanted to spare myself another eventual disappointment; I ultimately convinced myself to go, and boy was I glad I did.

Fast forward to D-day. Since the prior screening was sold out, I was a little bit worried that I may not find a seat this time as well. Luckily, most Moroccan ARMY attended the first show, making today’s audience no more than 30 at best. Since I was attending solo and I wanted to avoid feeling uncomfortable midst the crowd, especially with flu season being just around the corner, I thought that all was going well. Sadly, I was wrong. My eardrums suffered greatly as the teen fangirls simply wouldn’t shut it throughout the entire projection. The fanchants were cute to some extent, but the deafening screaming during every act made it very… not likeable.

Nuisance aside, as soon as the lights were off and Bighit’s famous tune played, I felt my brain rebooting: this is it. I admit, I was very confused in the beginning because I haven’t channeled my inner fangirl in months, to the point that I thought I didn’t have it in me anymore. But the minute RM performed his second verse of “Idol”, I started tearing up. BTS represents a lot to many, and to most of us it’s a helping hand, a support system, a healing process. The “Love Yourself” era was launched alongside a crucial period in my life, which I consider now my truest form to date: no masks, no riddles, just me; which explains why the song, as hype as it is, moved me to tears. To make things even more heartwrenching, they followed it by “Save me” and “I’m fine”, my two twin comfort songs. Eventually, “I need U” and “Run” just broke what was left of my composure as I sat there, crying a river.

Through everything I felt in that moment, I understood that I needed to make peace with myself, especially because the more I become myself, the more burdensome it becomes to stand on my two feet and face the world. Yet, it wasn’t all sad tears. The solos made me happy, rejoicing even, and RM’s solo specifically gave me goosebumps: I believe I relate to the core of his song the most, regardless of him being my bias.

After a rather emotional beginning, the boys took us on a sweet throwback via “Boys with fun”, “Dope”, and “Baepsae” among others, which made me jump off my seat for a split second and mumble the fanchants with a little squeak of excitment throughout the setlist. The vocal and rap line performances were ethereal, each being caught in their respective elements. At the end, “So what”, “Anpanman”, and “Love myself: Answer” were the perfect closure to mend my soul. Time flew by, and despite the human static noise, I was able to enjoy my time to the fullest. I went in thinking I was bidding my inner fangirl farewell, and I came out a proud and grateful outer ARMY.

BTS-pop may sound like entertainment to most spectators, but to me it was a trip down memory lane; with the the bitter, the better, and the blissful. My only regret is that I didn’t get to enjoy it with my squad, but as promised, we’ll have our combined share of fun at an actual concert one day. I can only imagine what the real experience must feel like.

That’s all for today! Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, and stay tuned for more Hallyu gems. Until I see you next time, thank you for reading me.

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